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My journal |
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April, 8th 1999
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| These last days during Easter I had a complete backdrop, my depression was back. What a horror. The thursday before this weekend, I had a party at the house of a friend, and I think, going to bed at 4 O'clock in the night with a lot of alcohol on my stomach did it. My sleep-wake rhythm was disturbed again, and I had to take melatonin again. As a bonus I also got a fever. My throttle started hurting, well, I was sick. Nevertheless, I was able to recover, I got back my sleep, but still I feel a bit groggy. | |
| one day, may, 4th, 1999 | |
| These days, it is going up and down, I
am still lightly depressed, and I try to stop using medicine, this doen't
give any trouble, except that I am waking up more frequently. But it mostly
depends on the night before, how I feel that day. I still use St. Worth,
ginseng and vitamin-stuff. Oh, I forgot, when I am going out till late
at night, me depression also worsens, but I was yet familiar to that fact.
I've also started with a depression-healing therapy, but may, the 17th
is my actually first appointment, so I really don't know whether it will
work. Nevertheless, I have a good feeling about it. The really try to deal
with the depression following a proved method. When I went to a psychiatrist
in the past, I had just the feeling, I
was talking to a wall. This guy was constantly talking about the past, instead of looking at the problems, I had at that moment. I wonder how other deal with their depression, so don't be afraid, if you suffer from it ? mail me some day ! |
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Sunday, june, 20th,1999
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| The therapy I am doing works !! For a
month now, once a week, I go to a psychologist here in Delft. The negative
thoughts which usually disturbed me, are now almost gone ! The oddest thing
is, that the feeling of pleasure has returned. It is really weird, when
you get back something, you missed for a long long time. Something I seemed
to have forgotten. It just happened, when I was watching a presentation
at our school, that I suddenly could grin again, when I enjoyed the
things he was telling us. I don't know whether it is St worth herb, which
also helps, during the therapy I use it more frequently, nevertheless,
I am truly happy that I can tell you that it is possible to retrieve emotions,
of which I thought that they would never come back again. At least that
was what I experienced when I was depressed. I could not imagine a return
to the old situation. When I was depressed I even didn't have the notion
of what it was to be emotional, alaz. I have decided today that I will
restart the 'writing' again (I stopped with it a several weeks), for I
realise that I am just crossed the border. When I woke up this morning
I could still trace negative thoughts (It seems that negative thoughts
occur most frequently when I wake up). This reminded me of the fact that
I am not totally healed. Well, I wish you all the best, you are not alone
!! By the way I quit using the brainwave stimulator, 2 weeks ago I had
a week of insomnia and it didn't work at all, this made me think ! The
psychologist suggested to me to wake up earlier, with the result that my
body and mind
would react on it in a way that I would feel more sleepy in the evening, which makes it easier to fall asleep. Well, it worked and yes, after two nights party-ing (What does it matter when you can't sleep at all ?) my sleep returned ! I must be honest, I used my (previously) regular dosis Melatonin, which I will stop using after finishing my final presentations here at the University. |
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Tuesday, august, 24th,1999
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| Although I thought everything was over, last week I got suddenly depressed again. My sleep was bad. I woke up several times at night, and thoughts jammed my mind. I got back my old fears about friends, future and my coming stay in Copenhagen, Denmark. Why did it happen ? I am not absolutely sure what caused it. Before monster D. entered my head, I was on aholliday in Zeebrugge with some friends. I think alcohol did the first job, the last days we drunk a lot, and the lack of privacy did the second. What a hell again, at my parents home I recovered a bit, althought I feel a bit groggy still. I wrote a lot these days, and was able to kick my fears out again. To get my sleep back I used some Melatonine pills. My niece was right, she told me that you still must be carefull when you think the depression is over. My niece also has had a depression for some years. | |
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Sunday, october, 24th, 1999
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| For 98 % I am now free of depression now. I feel happy, positive and feel like living life. Here in Denmark, I haven't had any problems, only when father came I had some trouble with sleeping, and therefor I sometimes use small amounts of melatonin. Furthermore I still write, giving myself positive affirmations. That's the only goal I find now, to retain a positive view on life. And it's succeeding. If you want to know more about postive thinking, take a look at my linklist. If nothing worse happens, I think this will be the last update, of course I will take a look at this site, now and then, but that's only to help others. Good luck. and if you suffer from a depression, I wish you a succesfull fight against it. |
